Credit to Quote Fancy.
No, I have this correct, it is “Why, I Am Really Here For?” Maybe the comma makes a difference. Anyhow, I had an interesting day today. You see the company I work for told us about two months ago that they were closing the last week of December, so if you have PTO you need to take the time off, if you don’t have PTO you can use up to 24 hours in advance of PTO, so no ifs or butts, you have to take the time off. As you know I have been in limbo about if the company was going to be sold or not, and with that my new boss told me that she was not sure if my seniority and vacation time would carry over. So, she recommended that I take PTO. You see I have 205 hours of PTO accumulated. So of course, I got worried that I would lose a lot of money, so I confirmed with my boss and to make sure I could take the time off, she said of course because I have so much time. I am now taking off the last two weeks of this year, along with this Friday, December 17th, and January 3rd of 2022.
Before even submitting my PTO request, I let all my customers know that I was considering taking the last two weeks of the year off, they all wrote back supporting me, and that I should take the time off because I never take time off and I deserve it. But now we are into December 14, I am three days away from being gone and work that was due this year was ok to be done next year is suddenly a problem. It seems they want me to get work out in four days that would have taken me these two weeks. I am flabbergasted on this whole situation, and the sad thing about it is that it happens every time I try and take off more than 3 days, not kidding, if it is more than 3 days it seems the world stops because I am gone – it might sound like job security, but it’s a pain in my butt. This wasn’t the reason for my post, but besides what happened to me today and what has been happening to me possibly my whole life, it brought up this question in my mind, “Why I Am Really Here For”.
Since I was in my late teens and early twenties, and pretty much up until now, I have always dreamed of making it, not necessarily becoming rich, but living comfortably and retiring without having to worry if my kids will be around to help or support me. Yes, I want them in my life, but I want them to worry about their lives and family and just enjoy me in my final years. All I want is to travel a bit, add cheese to my burger, and maybe indulge a little without having regrets right afterward. The thing is that I was wrapping up my day at 3:00 from my regular job, and had just picked up my daughter from school, and it hit me. My wife runs a daycare and today the kids were beyond crazy, there was so much screaming, noise, and commotion, and on top of my crazy day with back-to-back meetings I just stopped in my tracks and realized that, “I am not on this planet for myself.”
It might sound sad, and maybe I am just a bit crazy now, but honestly, I am not sure where and when my life went where it did, it might not necessarily be a bad thing, but like I said it feels as though it is no longer mine. I love my kids and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them, and actually, I have done so much for them already and I am totally ok with it – well right as a parent that is what we need or should do; otherwise, why have kids. I know there is more to come, and I have prepared both financially and mentally – well mentally maybe not so much. Each day the routine I do is for my family and what they will be left with when I depart this world. I have not been able to travel as I would like to and the only traveling I have done has been for work. I have not experienced anything out of the ordinary, my life has been simply spent at work, my kids’ games, homework, home, and now my side businesses. I have had a boring life, except for having to work hard all my life, and that is no joke. I use to deliver newspapers when I was a kid, remember the paperboys. Then, I started to work in a restaurant at age 14, because I had to help my mother. I went to school at zero period, which was 6 am, and was out at 2:10 PM. I then headed to work and clocked in at 3:00 pm and worked till 12:00 am, and on my breaks and lunch, I did my homework and when I got home. I did that all through high school and my first three years of college. I haven’t stopped working since, and the longest I have gone without a job was 2 weeks, but even then, the previous employer owed me a lot of paid time off and I still was receiving checks for up to 6 weeks afterwards. So, in all honesty, I have never really been out of a job – I am glad for that. But I think now that I look back the only time, I enjoyed myself was between 24 and 27 – three whole years. Not to say that my years of being married were not great, which will be 25 years this coming 2022, because they were and are, but once again they were not mine. Everything I have done since seems to be all for my kids and wife, to leave them something where they won’t have to worry about anything. It sounds like part of being a parent right and I shouldn’t be complaining, and maybe the feeling as though I am not here for me but others, could simply just be a moment in life and eventually, I will just simply move on. It is strange, and I am not complaining but I am, I am sure the though just raced through my mind and maybe it was a moment of desperation, and it will pass, well I am sure it will pass. I had to share this, because it was a weird thought, and I wasn’t sure why it popped up and why I lingered on it, who knows, I am sure there are others that have felt this at some point or other.
Anyhow, as always, I do appreciate you stopping by and I leave you with this thought, “As many of us reflect on why we are here on this planet, and we might not be certain or have a reason just yet, always remember whatever that may be, it has to be important – right. “