I wanted to take a moment and re-respond to a comment I received on my post Left Out. Now, the comment was great and it made total sense, but I think I responded not as I personally would have, but what I thought maybe I thinking as I was writing, but when I look back I don’t feel it, so I wanted to take a moment and rewrite my response and see if maybe it makes sense.
Now, I know that all relationships are different, obviously right because the people involved are different. The thing is that when I responded to the comment I was considering that even though we are all different, we all basically want the same thing out of a relationship, but I think I lost it where it comes down to what people want at different stages of their lives, and even though we can put those in the same boat for everyone, I think that as people our perspective about relationships is actually clouded and we might think we want a relationship one way, but in fact deep within us what we visualize is quite different. Hopefully, that makes sense, but let me try and break down my thought process and of course, I will get to answering the comment as what I really would like or thought I would like in a relationship.
So, I believe it has to be very basic when you start dating or looking for someone. I am pretty sure we do not immediately think, “I want an abusive relationship, I want a cheater, I want someone to treat me bad, and so on”. I am sure we are not directly looking for these types of relationships, but some people believe that is all they attract, but I don’t think so. I think if people continue in these types of relationships is because deep inside that is what they want, even though they say they don’t. I am pretty sure I am pissing off many people right now, and I am no phycologist or behavioral expert, but the question is, what drives people to a relationship or the one they wish they could have, is it what we see on the outer part of others, what society tells us what is a good relationship, or is it what we see deep inside ourselves and what we think we deserve. I personally cannot believe someone goes on a date and is looking for someone to abuse them or cheat on them – now I know it is not their fault because it’s the person doing the abusing, but if there is one red flag or even a subtle sign at the beginning of a relationship that this may occur, why continue? I mean get out, there is help and this has been happening for decades, so any excuse that a person can come up with is just that, an excuse. Ok, wait I think I veered from my post, sorry. Ok, so relationships, I think and this is my opinion, but when someone goes into a relationship, they can only imagine happiness, love, warmth, protection, and when we see an elderly couple that has been married for say 35-40 years kissing, we all just sigh and tell ourselves, “Man I wish I had that, or I hope that I can find something like that”. Think about it, we want someone to grow old with, someone to go through thick and thin, riches and poverty, and leave this world knowing we loved like no one could love and felt loved – like you made an impact in someone’s life. I think that is the main idea, of course, a lot could happen in between the years, and I think that is when we as individuals start to realize, “Wait is that what I really wanted”. I think time changes relationships and not maturity, but in the way that they look deep within themselves and say, “Ok, this is not what I wanted” and most of the time there is a question of, “When did it all go wrong”. I think my thought process is a bit here and there, but it has to make sense.
I want to first and foremost apologize to anyone that has been in an abusive relationship, my post is not to offend anyone, it is simply my attempt to provide an example of a type of relationship. Look, I saw this as a child, so I know what and how bad it can get, but that is not here to say – so my apologies.
Now, back to me and my response to the comment. You can read the comment on the original post, and I want to say thank you to the individual that commented, but I want to clarify my response to his question, here it is with no editing, “Have either of you ever defined what you all think an ideal relationship looks like? I ask because a lot of times we think other people think and want the same thing we do. We all have a vision of what an ideal relationship looks like and if we don’t communicate that, we can start to grow apart without ever knowing why.” So long story short, I responded with what I thought was the correct response and that is what we believe society sees as an ideal relationship, and that when two people first meet, they share with one another what they want – supposedly, you know, kids, house in the city or country, travel, etc. But I think when two people meet they only say what the other person wants to hear. Now I know what you are thinking, but think about it, we date and we try and gage the other person to see if they will be a good mate or not, will they provide, will they be a good mother or father, will they be successful; but I think the process is more of a “here is what I think, but what do you think” and eventually we end up in a relationship that is not what we really wanted but instead what we tried to make it. Not sure if I am making sense, but to be blunt I think most of us say what the other wants to hear, only so we do not find ourselves alone – just think about that for a minute and think back to the first time you met your partner. Play out the first couple of dates and think about what you see. I think most of the time we try and insert a square peg in a round hole.
So back to me and to reply to the comment as I should have, or believe I should have, excluding our society or beliefs. I will break it down in a couple of stages, only because I could because I have been married for 25 years and I look back at each of these moments I realize I wanted a certain type of relationship and maybe I did not communicate that correctly at first and throughout the years – sounds strange but hopefully, it will make sense.
I started late in my life looking to settle down, only because I wanted to be financially ready for marriage and of course kids – yes, I wanted kids, and I wanted 4 kids when I was younger. I was looking for someone that wanted kids and someone that was looking to grow – financially, yes, I said financially again, because I did not want to live the rest of my life like when I was a kid – it was horrible and no I was not looking to live in a mansion, but live comfortably, it was important to me at that time. Once I met that person, the first 5 years of a relationship I was looking for someone to have fun with, go out dancing, try new restaurants, go shopping, travel – live, but doing it while still putting aside some money for our first home. I wanted someone to talk to about my dreams, and of course, I would listen to their dreams. Set some goals and agree on where we both wanted to be in 5 years. Someone to hold hands with, sit next to them when we went out, hug and kiss as though we haven’t seen each other in years. After the 5 years hopefully, be in a home, and start to put aside more of our money together, still have some fun, but start thinking of having kids and hopefully have kids within our 5 to 7 years. This is where I wanted someone to listen to how my day was, talk about the weather, make love, hug, kiss, touch as though we haven’t seen each other in years. After having kids, start saving money for the kids, and placing more money in for our retirement, still go out on date nights. This is where I wanted someone to work with me to build a future, a retirement, together one that we both want. Also, this is where I still wanted someone to listen to how my day was, talk about the weather, make love, hug, kiss, touch as though we haven’t seen each other in years. Years 10 -25, I was looking for someone to confirm that we are going on the same path, that we wanted the same things, and that we were just as in love as we were when we first met. This is the time where I truly wanted someone to listen to how my day was, talk about the weather, make love, hug, kiss, touch as though we haven’t seen each other in years – you see the pattern. Now, what am I looking for years 25 and on, a confirmation that we love each other, that we have been doing everything right, that we are the biggest cheerleaders for one another, that we reevaluate our finances and see if maybe we can take a more extravagant trip, or buy another house, simply confirm that we did it right so far. Also, I would like someone to listen to how my day was, talk about the weather, make love, hug, kiss, touch as though we haven’t seen each other in years. That’s been so far what I believe should be my relationship, but as the comment the individual posted, is it what we both want, if it is not, then people have a tendency to drift apart. I think one of the most ironic things I will say is that our communication was lost some time ago, and the funny thing is that I am always preaching that “Communication”, is vital in life, yet somehow I was not able to keep at it in my relationship. So, it is very possible that my belief about a relationship is no longer hers, and as much as I have tried, I cannot get her to talk to me and see where it is going. We wake up each morning as though nothing has happened.
But listen to this, she tells my kids things that bother her about me, which I later find out from them. For example, I would help her carry the groceries from the car, and in the first years of marriage I would help put things away, but later she started to complain that I did not put things in the right places, even after she told me where to put them. So, I stopped, and instead, I would simply take out the groceries from the bags and place them on the counter – thinking it would be easier for her to see the stuff as she grabbed them to put away. Up until about a month ago, I stopped that as well, because my daughter ended up telling me that mom hated that I took the groceries out of the bags. I was blown away by this because she could have said something to me directly, but never did. Now, I just carry the groceries from the car and place the bags on the counter. The funny thing is there are times I could hear her slamming around things while she puts away the groceries, so I guess, I just can’t win.
So, in summary what I want in my relationship is a partner, someone to talk to, cry with, laugh with, hold-hands, hug, kiss, make love, and just look forward to each morning with her until my last breath.
To finalize my response to the comment, you are right, if two people do not communicate what they believe a relationship should be, then it is true, you both begin to drift apart and now that I think about it, that is exactly what has happened to my relationship – thanks for your comment.
Sorry, I got carried away with this post, it is a bit long.
As always, I try and leave you with a thought, “Communication, communication, and communication is vital in any relationship, so please talk with your partner don’t think they should automatically know what you are thinking, even after being together for a long time, don’t let them guess. I think that communicating will certainly be better for your relationship, whether it is staying together or moving on – civilized that is.”