This post is probably going to sound, sad or maybe depressing, I am not sure, but I just wanted to share something I went through which I am sure other fathers have gone through or are going through. My marriage is either there or not, we don’t have a grey area or middle part to go to, we simply wake up each morning and see what the day will bring. It’s hard to tell some days, you know because it might start off well, but somehow during the day, it all goes to crap. It usually is a combination of things that get us to that point, it is never one thing or another. I mean most of the time if I think about it, money seems to be the root of whatever just happened. There are days when we wake up and the first few minutes’ dictate how the rest of the day will go, it could go great or like I said it could go to crap. It is kind of sad when you think about it, but I am sure we are not the only couple, married or not that goes through this, and yeah there might be counseling or psychiatry or whatever else is out there, but most of the time couples won’t follow through and either go on each day as it is or one day just burst and go separate ways – who knows, we are all different in how we handle things and even if you talk about them it doesn’t mean it will get resolved.
Anyhow, so the other night at the dinner table, my wife brings up something that involves our daughter. Let me back up a bit. When we first got married, of course, she joined my bank, right, and everything was dandy. Then we bought a house, and she started her daycare, it was a few years later that she decided to open her own account, and this is what she told me. I am opening a bank account so that I can separate my business from our joint account. The thing is that a few years later she opened savings accounts for the kids without telling me. You ask why she should tell me, well the thing is we already had established savings accounts for our kids – well only my son at the time. I had money in there and we were building it. So she went and open an account in her bank without telling me. Of course, back then I got upset and closed my son’s account from my bank. My daughter was born and once again we talked and decided to open an account for her at my bank. We did talk about it and so I thought it was ok. Well, maybe a few years later she opens an account for our daughter at her bank, once again without telling me. So again, I closed my daughter’s account from my bank. In both cases we originally talked, and I figured it was ok to open them in my bank, but then she goes behind my back and opens accounts for both our kids at her bank. My thought was she should have just told me what she wanted to do in the first place. What gets to me is that her bank nickel and dimes her for everything; she pays out at least $50 or more each month in maintenance fees. At my bank, there are no fees – no fees. I can have 1 dollar in my bank, and it is ok. At her bank she needs to have $1000 in each of the accounts to avoid the $12 monthly fee – can you believe that. It blows my mind.
Back to the other night at the dinner table. So, during dinner she blurts out that she got a debit card for my 12-year-old daughter, and she did this without talking to me at all – again. She briefly explains to her that it only holds $50, she needs to create a pin and that’s it. She doesn’t explain anything on how to use it, what needs to be done when you go to a store or when you are shopping online. I was seriously upset, but I said nothing, just sat there and ate. The rest of the night I kept quiet because at that moment I felt completely alone, left out, as though my input meant nothing – nothing. I was speechless and just could not believe what just happen. I mean it is not like I live in another house; we are not divorced and co-parenting from two separate homes. We are in the same house, and she makes decisions and does not include me in them – am I wrong in some way. I mean when two people meet, and fall in love or whatever, and later decide to join their lives (get married) doesn’t that usually mean that they are both doing it so they can work together and make life easier, fun, exciting, and successful. I am sure that people do not get married or live together or have kids together simply to still be alone in doing everything that comes with having a family, a home, kids – right. Then why get married or live together if you are going to exclude your partner from all decisions, that makes no sense to me, but it is the case with many couples and of course me. I think if two people decide to bring a child into this world or adopt a child that they did it so they can both work together to make decisions together about the kids’ future, not to do it and then do everything yourself – in that case then do not get married or ask a partner to join you in the decision only later to exclude them from all other decisions.
The funny thing is my daughter asked me this morning, as I was driving her to school, about how she uses her new debit card – I almost lost it. I know it’s not her fault, but what the F$#@. So today I have not spoken a word, and I don’t think she really cares, you know you can tell these things after being with someone for nearly 25 years – it is sad. So right now, I am feeling alone, left out, and as though my opinion does not matter. The thing is I started a dropshipping business for everyone’s sake except for mine. I invest in stocks, yes, I invested in crypto, and other things for everyone else but me. I care about my loved ones, and I want to make sure they are ok, when I leave this world, maybe not Bill Gates good, but better than when I was growing up. It all seems futile now and I am not sure, but I feel like I am back in the middle of the ocean treading water with no hope in sight.
As always, I am humbled by your presence at my blog, and taking the time to read my crazy posts, but I also try and leave you with positive thoughts, “You might not always like what your partner says but including them in all decisions makes you a better person, because maybe they don’t care, but you did your part. Maybe they do care, and they will appreciate you including them, in the decision.”
Have either of you ever defined what you all think an ideal relationship looks like? I ask because a lot of times we think other people think and want the same thing we do. We all have a vision of what an ideal relationship looks like and if we don’t communicate that, we can start to grow apart without ever knowing why.
You know, I don’t think it’s about what we think is an ideal relationship looks like, but more of an idea of what we and society believe should be a relationship – like a label. I believe when we first meet someone, as many couples do, we think of having a happy family, live in a nice house, and have children – basic needs and wants. But defining how we get there and how we maintain these ideas; couples really don’t discuss or define it, including us, we simply just go for it without really hashing out the steps. I think that is what happened to us, we fell in love, got married after two weeks of knowing each other and really did not think about anything else. I think we missed the beginning piece of our relationship. Somewhere throughout the years some couples, as you mentioned, grow apart, but not necessarily because of what we thought was ideal, but because we each possibly had a different process in our mind on how to get where we want to be and it somehow did not match the other persons process. I feel or think that being with someone should be like sipping that first cup of coffee, or having a hot chocolate on a cold night near a fireplace, or petting a cat or dog, making someone smile, that feeling that flows all over your body. I don’t know what to say, but I do know and many would agree that relationships are complicated, but we do what we can – right. I do want to say thank you dropping a comment and I appreciate your input.