Depressed – One Day

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Listen to the audio version – Podcast.

Hey, so the other day I was working and was having one of those days that you simply wished would end. Anyhow, so I was trying to get through a lot of stuff since my co-worker left the company and I inherited her work, it has been one fire after another, simply a mess. To add on to that, my office chair is pretty much had it, it is pretty bad and I had requested a new chair from the company. Well, they told me they were not sure if they could provide me with a new chair, and they would check and let me know. I am thinking to myself could this get any worse, I mean I did not get a raise, I inherited a lot of work, I am not sure if the company will be keeping me, and now I can’t get a chair – I mean trust me I have been to the office and they have plenty of chairs not in use. So, I actually started to cry, I whimpered in my home office, I looked down and all around and just could not believe where I was right now – well at that moment. I couldn’t move, I felt lost, neglected, underappreciated, I mean I was overtaken by a whole lot of just bad feelings. I felt as though I could not breathe, that the whole world was against me – I am sure many have been exactly where I was.

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I actually stopped working, well it was like an hour early, and I just stared at my screen. I started thinking about everything and anything, my family, my kids, my house, my car, my bills, my job, retirement, college tuition for my kids, my mind was going one hundred miles an hour and it was going nowhere. I felt at that moment that I was a complete failure, that everything I have been through or done did not matter because I had nothing to show for – I felt helpless. It was after I told my daughter that I had a bad day and actually felt like I went into a slight depression, now take it I pretty sure I should not have mentioned that to her, she has enough to worry about in her life, but she is the only person that will listen. I feel bad for her because she is just a kid and she should not be listening or worrying about adult stuff. I did tell her not to worry and it was more of a bad day than anything else, she was nice enough to tell me it was ok. At that point I cried again, she hugged me and we just hugged for a few minutes. I then realized that the darn chair was the final straw that brought me to my knees, I am thinking a freaking chair did this to me, well actually I did this to me over a freaking chair. I then got disappointed in myself and thought I should have known better, but I allowed it to get to me and bring me down to a horrific point. I should not have allowed it, but it did happen and I guess all in all it was good that I realized what was the cause, and maybe I will not allow myself to get brought down for insignificant things, like a chair. I could have just as easily told the Facilities person, “No worries, I will get my own chair”, but I didn’t and I fell hard.

Now listen to this, my company just recently went to a work from a home model, meaning that if you talk to your manager and it is doable, you can work from home part-time, stay at home some days and come to the office on other days. The catch here, after reading the newly updated company policy on this; they will not provide any office equipment, except for the laptop, they will not pay for any utilities, internet, phone, electricity, water, and they will not be responsible for anything that happens to you while at home. The other thing is that to work from home you must use the laptop that is provided to you to do your work, and you need to make the area secured from all traffic – no one can have a visible view of your screen while you are working or access to your work laptop. What got me was that they will not recompense us for Internet, electricity, or water, and believe when I tell you these things have gone up since I have been at home. Now they tell us that the reason they will not pay for these things is that we would save in driving to the office, gas, wear and tear on the vehicle, maintenance, and time in traffic, I was like wow ok – I guess, what do you think?

Well, the good thing about having this depressing day, or breakdown, or whatever we want to call it is that I was able to realize what triggered it and maybe this is a lesson learned. Not sure if I will or could have other episodes, I hope not, because they are definitely no fun and extremely draining on my life/health. I just wish I knew what my fate was going to be with this darn company, then I think I could move on with many parts of my life, heck maybe I will start that side hustle – who knows. All I know is that I do not want to go through that again and most importantly I will not involve my daughter, I felt bad that I did, she was ok, but I should have known better than to put her through that. Hey I am only human and we do make mistakes, it’s a matter of trying not to repeat them, and learn from them – such a cliché.

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Anyhow, once again I am humbled that you stopped by and read my post, hopefully, it was not too depressing, and maybe it will for some let them know that they are not alone in this world, we all or most of us go through this at least once, or maybe more. I do leave you with this thought, “There are going to be days that are worse than others. There are going to be days that will bring you to your knees, and those days will seem that it is all done for, but I believe that we all have that inner strength to get through, because if you look at things, we made it through a pandemic or simply, we have made this far, so let’s move forward we got this”.

Published by iPapito

Strange but true, I was born in San Salvador, as an abroad US citizen. It sounds strange, but you see, my mother was 5 months pregnant and happen to be visiting San Salvador. She slipped and fell in a pool and well, I was born. I am a twin, but unfortunately, he did not make and I did. My mother’s side of the family happens to be well of, and I had the opportunity to live a nice life early in my childhood. You know, private school, servant, nice home, and vacations. Things change when my mother decided to follow my father to the United States and well, that is where my story begins. I started a blog a while back, but life sort of hit and I left it behind, but now as I am a bit older, I decided I needed an avenue to share my experiences with others, while at the same time allowing me to open up and talk like I am on someone’s couch, I guess you could say. This blog will be more like an open book, created by experiences that I have had throughout my life. Experiences that many could relate to and what I did or how I handled it, you know after the fact. You never know there just might be a piece of information, idea, an option that someone could use and it would help them through the experience. Just remember these are my experiences, things I have been through, work through, and lived through – it does not mean I am right, but it does not mean I am wrong – it is simply an experience.

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