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I made a horrible decision and bought an Xbox X. I know why I did it, but I am not sure it is the right reason. As you know my marriage is a struggle, each day I am not sure in which direction it is going to go. Some days it looks promising, then some days simply start out bad from the morning coffee.
The whole thing is very simple, I want someone I can talk to about everyday life things, aspirations, goals, things that happen, etc. The thing is that all she does is play her online game, and chat all day with her sister, I mean all day. Every morning they start off with a good morning, have a great day, then throughout the day they message about stupid little things, like what she ate for breakfast, what one of the kids did, and what she did in her game. She even talks to her sister, who lives in Baja California, about US news, like what the Governor did, the price of gas, and the price of groceries. They exchange recipes.
My wife even shares with her sister the dreams she has, what she thinks they mean etc. My wife also prefers to ask her sister or brother about everyday things like what light bulb wattage should we use in the bathroom when she can simply ask me, but for whatever reason, she doesn’t. What does her sister in Mexico know, think, and feel about US news? How does she know what it feels like when gas prices are going up in the US? In Mexico gas prices are pretty dam good, the prices are so good that people in the US are crossing the border to get gas. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying she is dumb, only saying is that there is someone closer to home that my wife could talk to, but decides not to.
These are the things and so much more that I wish she would talk to me about, but like I said I am not sure at what point in our marriage this all took a turn. Take for instance right now it is 7:00 PM at night, and as walk out into the living room I see my son on his phone, and my wife on her phone messaging her brother. You ask how I know, well because she is telling me what he thinks about what happen today during the bathroom remodeling we are doing.
There is another prime example of how I am not included or considered for anything. She decided to remodel the master bathroom, I am not sure where the money is coming from, but that is not my point here, my point here is that all the choices for the bathroom she made herself with the help of her sister. How come I cannot help in deciding, and what do you think that does to me. Am I wrong in feeling alone, left out, unwanted, or unneeded?
Wait, the funny thing is that when it comes to the money situation, everyone comes to me for money, and honestly, I feel that is the only reason they have me around. I wonder what would happen if I wasn’t around. The income I bring in to the family, would it make a difference if it was gone, would they miss it, I don’t know.
Anyhow, back to my Xbox and denial. After a few times of things happening around the house, and me feeling all alone I decided to do something besides the side things I do. Now, I know I could probably dedicate all that time to my side businesses or things, but then what am I left with, nothing but all work and no play. So, I decided to get an Xbox and started to play. The funny thing is that I have had the Xbox for about 5 days and even though I play for a few hours, I eventually get bored. I am not sure how kids can play for hours at a time, man I simply want to have a conversation with someone – live.
That is where I think my denial is at, you see, I am sure I could dedicate more time to my side business, but I feel like all my effort into these businesses will only get me nowhere. Yes, it might bring in a little extra money that is always welcomed, but I really don’t think I should have bought the Xbox. I did it because I was angry and sad about where my life is at right now. I think I need to step back and not care and focus on me and what makes me happy, but I have to say it isn’t as easy as it sounds – really. My denial is my sadness, my loneliness, my feeling of not mattering, and there are days I push through and there are days I really just want to run out and scream and keep running and never look back.
My son is old enough, my daughter is only in middle school, I think if my daughter was bigger, I might have a different idea about my marriage and where it needs to be, but to be honest a divorce is a costly thing, especially with today’s economy, inflation, rising rental costs, rising interest rates. It seems that if I tried to move on, I would be back where I was when I was 9 or 10 years old; looking for food in the back of a Safeway – square one. You think though that I would be happier, maybe, but I would certainly be struggling more than I am now or would I? The sad thing is that I have no one to call for help, and if we did get a divorce, I am sure her nine brothers and sister would be at her side immediately.
How do I feel, is buying my Xbox a sign of denial, should I do something about it, I don’t know anymore? I am enjoying the racing game I download for free. Even though I play for an hour or so, it cannot replace my need for a casual conversation with a live person.
I appreciate you stopping by, and well I will end my post on a positive note, “Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win – Bernadette Devlin.”